1 00:00:35,063 --> 00:00:36,102 All right, Pissface? 2 00:00:36,142 --> 00:00:37,902 All right, Pusface. What's going on? 3 00:00:39,861 --> 00:00:41,700 Um, hey, Dad. 4 00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:43,459 Yes. 5 00:00:44,459 --> 00:00:46,858 And, the reason you're dressed as an astronaut? 6 00:00:46,898 --> 00:00:48,137 What? You mean this coat? 7 00:00:48,177 --> 00:00:50,456 Which you're wearing on your next mission to Jupiter? 8 00:00:50,496 --> 00:00:51,695 Clever. 9 00:00:51,735 --> 00:00:53,735 Dad, why are you looking at a tree? 10 00:00:53,775 --> 00:00:55,934 What? Why are you looking at a tree? 11 00:00:55,974 --> 00:00:58,453 I'm not looking at a tree, I'm looking at a bag. 12 00:00:58,493 --> 00:00:59,612 Huh? 13 00:00:59,652 --> 00:01:01,411 See that plastic bag up there? 14 00:01:01,451 --> 00:01:03,250 Dad wants to get it down. 15 00:01:03,290 --> 00:01:04,330 Really? Why? 16 00:01:04,370 --> 00:01:06,529 Cos it's an eyesore. And cos he's an idiot. 17 00:01:06,569 --> 00:01:07,808 But it's not even our tree. 18 00:01:07,848 --> 00:01:09,408 It's not even outside our house. 19 00:01:09,448 --> 00:01:11,167 What I said. That's not the point. 20 00:01:11,207 --> 00:01:12,526 It's in our sodding road... 21 00:01:12,566 --> 00:01:14,246 BOTH: And you can see it for miles. 22 00:01:14,286 --> 00:01:15,405 Miles? 23 00:01:15,445 --> 00:01:16,804 BOTH: Yes, miles! 24 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,124 Stupid runt. 25 00:01:18,164 --> 00:01:19,483 Hi, boys. 26 00:01:19,523 --> 00:01:20,523 Hi, Mum. 27 00:01:21,802 --> 00:01:24,961 Martin, please leave the tree alone now. 28 00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:27,120 It's not the tree, Jackie, it's the bag. 29 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,159 Yes, all right, the bag. 30 00:01:29,199 --> 00:01:31,398 Just come in, will you? What are you wearing? 31 00:01:31,438 --> 00:01:33,277 Pillock's clothes. Nice. 32 00:01:33,317 --> 00:01:34,637 Jonny's just joined NASA, so... 33 00:01:34,677 --> 00:01:35,716 Pusface. 34 00:01:35,756 --> 00:01:37,955 Well, are you coming or what? 35 00:01:37,995 --> 00:01:39,155 Stick. 36 00:01:39,195 --> 00:01:40,514 The stick, again? 37 00:01:40,554 --> 00:01:41,834 It doesn't even reach. 38 00:01:41,874 --> 00:01:43,273 Urgh! 39 00:01:44,352 --> 00:01:45,672 Ready for this? 40 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:53,309 Yes, well, when you've grown another ten metres, Martin, do let us know. 41 00:01:53,348 --> 00:01:54,508 Come on, boys. 42 00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:55,707 Bleeding thing. 43 00:01:57,347 --> 00:01:59,106 He's obsessed with that grotty bag. 44 00:01:59,146 --> 00:02:00,345 Is he really? 45 00:02:00,385 --> 00:02:02,984 Don't worry, Jonny will get it down. Will I? 46 00:02:03,024 --> 00:02:05,223 Your coat doubles as a jetpack, doesn't it? 47 00:02:05,263 --> 00:02:06,663 Ha funny ha. 48 00:02:06,703 --> 00:02:08,062 What is it even made of? 49 00:02:08,102 --> 00:02:09,222 Mum! 50 00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:13,100 It looks like the stuff I wrap the chicken in before I bung it in the oven. Mum! 51 00:02:13,140 --> 00:02:14,739 Martin?! 52 00:02:14,779 --> 00:02:15,939 Ah. 53 00:02:15,979 --> 00:02:18,857 Oh, maybe he can go and live in that tree. 54 00:02:18,897 --> 00:02:20,257 Ooh, Mum. 55 00:02:20,297 --> 00:02:21,376 Hmmm? 56 00:02:21,416 --> 00:02:23,055 Guess what I've got. 57 00:02:23,095 --> 00:02:24,095 What is it? 58 00:02:24,135 --> 00:02:25,934 Oh, yeah, I saw it. 59 00:02:25,974 --> 00:02:27,174 You saw it? 60 00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:28,373 What is it? 61 00:02:28,413 --> 00:02:29,932 You never told me you saw it. 62 00:02:29,972 --> 00:02:31,332 What is it, you dick? 63 00:02:31,372 --> 00:02:33,611 It's an interview thing I did for the local magazine. 64 00:02:33,651 --> 00:02:34,930 Interview thing? 65 00:02:34,970 --> 00:02:36,130 About his music. 66 00:02:36,170 --> 00:02:37,809 Did you like it? 67 00:02:37,849 --> 00:02:40,768 Why would anyone interview Pusface about his awful, awful music? 68 00:02:40,808 --> 00:02:41,887 Thank you. 69 00:02:41,927 --> 00:02:44,086 Oh, my God, it's Pusface! 70 00:02:44,126 --> 00:02:45,206 Mum, look at Pusface! 71 00:02:45,246 --> 00:02:47,005 Yeah, I've seen Pusface, thank you. 72 00:02:47,045 --> 00:02:48,924 Um, what's wrong? 73 00:02:48,964 --> 00:02:50,324 Nothing's wrong. 74 00:02:50,364 --> 00:02:51,643 Something's wrong. 75 00:02:51,683 --> 00:02:53,682 Oh, this is gold! 76 00:02:53,722 --> 00:02:56,281 "Local lad and composer, Adam Goodman..." 77 00:02:56,321 --> 00:02:58,320 Composer? You mean, crap jingle writer. 78 00:02:58,360 --> 00:02:59,480 Thank you, again. 79 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,399 "..has been sprinkling his musical magic..." 80 00:03:01,439 --> 00:03:02,438 What? 81 00:03:02,478 --> 00:03:05,837 "..on some of the country's best-known radio commercials for the past ten years." 82 00:03:05,877 --> 00:03:08,755 Ah, yes, like "Lax-a-Leave for healthy bowels." 83 00:03:08,795 --> 00:03:09,795 Jonny. 84 00:03:09,835 --> 00:03:11,394 I thought you'd be excited. 85 00:03:11,434 --> 00:03:12,594 I am excited. 86 00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:14,513 You don't seem excited. Don't I? 87 00:03:14,553 --> 00:03:16,552 Pissing stick doesn't reach. 88 00:03:16,592 --> 00:03:18,591 Martin! You nearly gave me a heart attack. 89 00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:20,031 Ooh, only nearly? 90 00:03:20,071 --> 00:03:21,270 Right. 91 00:03:21,310 --> 00:03:22,869 Oh, Jackie! 92 00:03:22,909 --> 00:03:24,748 Mum! Bye-bye, stick. 93 00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:27,027 Here's a good one - "How do you relax?" 94 00:03:27,067 --> 00:03:28,467 Yes, OK. 95 00:03:28,507 --> 00:03:30,026 And Pusface says, "Headphones on, 96 00:03:30,066 --> 00:03:31,066 "chilled-out tracks, 97 00:03:31,106 --> 00:03:32,505 "and just vibe." 98 00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:33,745 Just give it! 99 00:03:33,785 --> 00:03:35,104 Dad, have you seen this? 100 00:03:35,144 --> 00:03:36,263 What? Oh, yeah. 101 00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:37,903 His mother's seen it too. 102 00:03:37,943 --> 00:03:39,302 Sorry? 103 00:03:39,342 --> 00:03:41,141 Oh, for Christ's sake. 104 00:03:41,181 --> 00:03:42,501 What the hell's wrong?! 105 00:03:46,779 --> 00:03:49,418 "What is your earliest musical memory?" 106 00:03:50,737 --> 00:03:51,737 Um... 107 00:03:51,777 --> 00:03:53,016 Yes? 108 00:03:53,056 --> 00:03:55,175 "Going to see Oliver The Musical 109 00:03:55,215 --> 00:03:57,734 "with my Auntie Val when I was six." 110 00:03:58,974 --> 00:04:00,133 And? 111 00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:02,492 I took you to see Cats 112 00:04:02,532 --> 00:04:04,731 when you were five! 113 00:04:06,050 --> 00:04:08,369 Oh, my God! 114 00:04:09,409 --> 00:04:11,208 Please say you're not being serious. 115 00:04:11,248 --> 00:04:13,047 No mention of your mother anywhere. 116 00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:15,006 You are being serious. I can't believe it. 117 00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:17,365 You mention your father. Oh, yes. "My dad's so funny." 118 00:04:17,405 --> 00:04:19,125 Incredible. You mention your brother. 119 00:04:19,165 --> 00:04:21,284 "My brother's hilarious." He really is. 120 00:04:21,324 --> 00:04:22,683 You mention... Auntie Val? 121 00:04:22,723 --> 00:04:24,762 Oh, yes, you even mention Auntie Val, 122 00:04:24,802 --> 00:04:27,201 but you can't mention your own mother. 123 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,560 And this is happening in real life, is it? 124 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,319 How could you not mention your own mother 125 00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:34,038 in a professional magazine interview? 126 00:04:34,078 --> 00:04:36,077 Uh! Dad, can you believe this?! 127 00:04:36,117 --> 00:04:38,836 Well, maybe you could have said something nice about your mum, 128 00:04:38,876 --> 00:04:40,315 even if it was a lie. 129 00:04:40,355 --> 00:04:42,195 Er, I heard that, thank you. 130 00:04:42,235 --> 00:04:43,554 Right! 131 00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:48,272 I'm so sorry I didn't talk all about you in my interview, 132 00:04:48,312 --> 00:04:51,031 but strangely enough it wasn't about "Adam Goodman's mother". 133 00:04:51,071 --> 00:04:53,070 Well, you could have said something, anything. 134 00:04:53,110 --> 00:04:54,389 Oh, yeah? Like what? 135 00:04:54,429 --> 00:04:56,109 Like, OK... 136 00:04:56,148 --> 00:04:57,748 "I love my mother." 137 00:04:57,788 --> 00:04:59,187 I love my mother? 138 00:04:59,227 --> 00:05:01,866 Yes, "I love my mother." What's so funny about that? 139 00:05:01,906 --> 00:05:03,785 Don't you love your mother? Oh, just shut up! 140 00:05:03,825 --> 00:05:05,225 Well, say it then. 141 00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:09,063 What? Now? Well, if you're not going to say it in your interview, why can't you say it now? 142 00:05:09,103 --> 00:05:10,342 Er, because this is insanity. 143 00:05:10,382 --> 00:05:11,542 Insanity? 144 00:05:11,582 --> 00:05:12,941 Er, Mum? What, Jonny? 145 00:05:12,981 --> 00:05:14,061 I love you. 146 00:05:14,101 --> 00:05:16,580 See, your brother can say "I love you." 147 00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,739 Your father can say, "I love you." 148 00:05:18,779 --> 00:05:21,417 Hmmm? Martin, can you say "I love you" please? Oh, I love you. 149 00:05:21,457 --> 00:05:22,697 See? 150 00:05:22,737 --> 00:05:25,256 But not as much as I love this yucky stuff. 151 00:05:25,296 --> 00:05:28,574 Right, clearly I mean that much to you. 152 00:05:28,614 --> 00:05:30,334 Yes, clearly. 153 00:05:30,374 --> 00:05:32,892 Can you believe him, Mum? Shut up! 154 00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:34,892 Well, if that's how you feel, I don't know why 155 00:05:34,932 --> 00:05:38,890 you bothered to come here tonight. You know what? Neither do I! 156 00:05:38,930 --> 00:05:40,249 Unbelievable! 157 00:05:41,848 --> 00:05:43,288 Good! 158 00:05:43,328 --> 00:05:45,367 Uh... Mmm! 159 00:05:45,407 --> 00:05:47,206 I didn't know Adam liked prawns. 160 00:05:50,485 --> 00:05:52,164 Unbelievable... 161 00:05:52,204 --> 00:05:53,403 Unbelievable! 162 00:05:54,643 --> 00:05:56,482 Ugh! 163 00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:59,241 Just vibing, are you? Ha, funny, ha. 164 00:05:59,281 --> 00:06:00,360 JONNY LAUGHS 165 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:03,759 What do you want? Nothing. 166 00:06:03,799 --> 00:06:05,758 Just came to say I love you. Very good. 167 00:06:06,918 --> 00:06:09,316 Getting ready for lift-off? Also very good. 168 00:06:09,356 --> 00:06:11,675 I mean, I literally have no memory of Cats. 169 00:06:11,715 --> 00:06:14,554 Look, why don't you just go back in, tell Mum you love her 170 00:06:14,594 --> 00:06:17,753 and be done with it? No way! Why can't she just be happy for me? 171 00:06:17,793 --> 00:06:19,832 When's she ever been in a bloody magazine? 172 00:06:19,872 --> 00:06:21,751 Ah, yes, the bloody magazine. 173 00:06:22,990 --> 00:06:24,670 "From where do you get your inspiration?" 174 00:06:24,710 --> 00:06:25,749 Fantastic, it's online. 175 00:06:25,789 --> 00:06:28,908 "Anything can inspire me, from the smell of rain on tarmac..." 176 00:06:28,948 --> 00:06:31,027 What? So, you sniff puddles? Jonny... 177 00:06:31,067 --> 00:06:33,906 "..to watching the children playing outside my bedroom window." 178 00:06:33,946 --> 00:06:36,185 That does not sound great. Pissface! 179 00:06:37,784 --> 00:06:40,303 Hello, boys. Ugh, what does he want? 180 00:06:41,382 --> 00:06:44,421 You all right, Jim? Yes, fine, fine. 181 00:06:44,461 --> 00:06:46,380 DOG WHINES 182 00:06:46,420 --> 00:06:48,339 Um... Can we help you? 183 00:06:48,379 --> 00:06:49,939 What? Oh, yes. 184 00:06:49,979 --> 00:06:51,378 Come on, Milson. 185 00:06:52,458 --> 00:06:53,737 Hmmm! 186 00:06:56,936 --> 00:06:57,975 Good girl, Milson. 187 00:06:59,175 --> 00:07:01,334 Great. Car ruined. 188 00:07:01,374 --> 00:07:03,493 Is-Is your mother in? 189 00:07:03,533 --> 00:07:05,452 What? In the car? Yes. 190 00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:09,370 Um, she's not in the car at the moment, Jim. 191 00:07:09,410 --> 00:07:11,209 She's actually in the house. 192 00:07:11,249 --> 00:07:14,048 Oh, of course, yes, in the house. 193 00:07:14,088 --> 00:07:16,407 Well, don't worry, I can ask her later. 194 00:07:16,447 --> 00:07:17,487 You do that. 195 00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:22,005 So...? 196 00:07:22,045 --> 00:07:24,444 Where are we going again? 197 00:07:24,484 --> 00:07:26,043 I'm sorry? 198 00:07:26,083 --> 00:07:28,602 I've forgotten where we're supposed to be going. 199 00:07:28,642 --> 00:07:30,481 We're not going anywhere, Jim. Aren't we? 200 00:07:30,521 --> 00:07:32,840 Then why are we in the car? 201 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,279 Get out immediately? Yep. 202 00:07:39,157 --> 00:07:41,636 Um, are you getting out, Jim, or...? 203 00:07:41,676 --> 00:07:43,315 Yes, soon. 204 00:07:43,355 --> 00:07:45,155 Soon? Soon. 205 00:07:46,194 --> 00:07:47,194 Fabulous. 206 00:07:48,753 --> 00:07:49,792 Come on, then. 207 00:07:49,832 --> 00:07:52,951 Good boy, just say "I love you" and... I'm not saying that! 208 00:07:52,991 --> 00:07:54,390 JONNY CHUCKLES 209 00:07:55,670 --> 00:07:57,109 Hi, Bobble. 210 00:07:58,269 --> 00:07:59,348 Hi. 211 00:07:59,388 --> 00:08:00,828 Um, I just want to say... 212 00:08:00,868 --> 00:08:02,947 Oh, Jonny, please take that bloody space-suit off. 213 00:08:02,987 --> 00:08:04,066 Ugh! 214 00:08:05,106 --> 00:08:07,625 I'm sorry about before, Adam. I went a bit mad. 215 00:08:07,665 --> 00:08:08,664 A bit mad? 216 00:08:09,904 --> 00:08:12,103 It's a lovely interview, really. 217 00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:13,502 Can we be friends? 218 00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:17,021 And you're not going to make me say... Of course not. 219 00:08:17,061 --> 00:08:19,739 And anyway, I don't need you to say "I love you" 220 00:08:19,779 --> 00:08:21,419 because I know you love me. 221 00:08:23,178 --> 00:08:25,377 I know you love your mother. 222 00:08:27,056 --> 00:08:28,056 Your mum. 223 00:08:30,255 --> 00:08:31,494 Your mummy. 224 00:08:31,534 --> 00:08:33,773 I'm not saying it! Bloody hell. 225 00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:35,772 Right... 226 00:08:35,812 --> 00:08:37,452 Martin, it's dinner now. 227 00:08:37,492 --> 00:08:39,251 Just leave the sodding bag! 228 00:08:39,291 --> 00:08:42,649 Jackie, that sodding bag is about to become sodding history 229 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,168 thanks to this beauty. What, the ladder that falls apart 230 00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:46,248 the second you open it? 231 00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:50,246 Shit. Half a second, actually. 232 00:08:50,286 --> 00:08:51,885 Inside. 233 00:08:51,925 --> 00:08:53,605 Hello, Jackie. 234 00:08:53,645 --> 00:08:54,724 Hi, Jim. 235 00:08:54,764 --> 00:08:56,203 Everything OK? 236 00:08:56,243 --> 00:08:59,882 Yes, Jackie. Um, I just wanted to ask you a question. 237 00:08:59,922 --> 00:09:02,880 Yes? Did you know that there's... 238 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,519 ..there's a bag in that tree? 239 00:09:09,078 --> 00:09:11,597 There's got to be some way of getting that bugger down. 240 00:09:11,637 --> 00:09:13,596 Martin, please come away from that window 241 00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,435 or do you want me to put your face through it? 242 00:09:15,475 --> 00:09:17,194 God knows how it ended up there. 243 00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:19,793 Right, I'm going to cut my head off in the kitchen. 244 00:09:19,833 --> 00:09:22,272 Yeah, it's a real mystery. 245 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:25,471 Yes, how did a plastic bag end up in a tree? Ooh. 246 00:09:25,511 --> 00:09:27,390 I don't know. Maybe the wind? 247 00:09:27,430 --> 00:09:29,429 Perhaps a bird took it up there. 248 00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:32,548 Or the wind? Like a gull or something. Or just the wind? 249 00:09:32,587 --> 00:09:35,466 Could have been children, you know, mucking about. Kids. 250 00:09:35,506 --> 00:09:37,265 Mum, Dad doesn't know what wind is. 251 00:09:37,305 --> 00:09:39,424 Really? He should do, he lets off enough of the stuff. 252 00:09:39,464 --> 00:09:40,464 SHE CACKLES 253 00:09:40,504 --> 00:09:41,504 Ugh, Mum! 254 00:09:41,544 --> 00:09:44,902 If I could just get up there somehow. Table, please. 255 00:09:46,262 --> 00:09:47,581 Ooh, that's an idea. 256 00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:48,940 Table! 257 00:09:48,980 --> 00:09:52,379 Jackie, I suddenly need to go to the...toilet. 258 00:09:52,419 --> 00:09:55,058 Well, that's not suspicious. You suddenly need to go to the toilet 259 00:09:55,098 --> 00:09:57,617 or you suddenly need to go outside to play with your stupid bag? 260 00:09:57,657 --> 00:09:59,936 Um, toilet. For my...wees. 261 00:09:59,976 --> 00:10:01,375 Bag! Absolutely bag. 262 00:10:01,415 --> 00:10:02,574 Just sit. 263 00:10:02,614 --> 00:10:03,814 MARTIN SIGHS 264 00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:05,773 Ooh, I nearly forgot - 265 00:10:05,813 --> 00:10:08,612 to Adam, for his amazing interview. 266 00:10:08,652 --> 00:10:10,291 Aww, thanks, Mum. Yes. 267 00:10:10,331 --> 00:10:13,689 It was amazing, wasn't it? "What's your favourite smell?" 268 00:10:13,729 --> 00:10:14,969 Yes, OK. 269 00:10:15,009 --> 00:10:17,008 Answer - "My girlfriend's hair." 270 00:10:17,048 --> 00:10:19,167 And does your girlfriend KNOW you're a murderer? 271 00:10:19,207 --> 00:10:21,726 And does your girlfriend KNOW you're a dickhead? Boys. 272 00:10:21,766 --> 00:10:23,885 Oh, don't know, let's find out. 273 00:10:23,925 --> 00:10:26,084 Jackie, my wees! Martin, shut up. 274 00:10:27,244 --> 00:10:30,282 Jonny, put your phone away will you, please? 275 00:10:30,322 --> 00:10:31,922 Hey, Luce. Jonny! 276 00:10:31,962 --> 00:10:35,760 Yeah, all good, yeah. Just phoned to say I love you, that's all. 277 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,639 See ya, babe. You shit. JONNY CACKLES 278 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:42,037 So, do you remember when I took you to see Cats then? 279 00:10:42,077 --> 00:10:44,716 What? Oh, um, not really. 280 00:10:44,756 --> 00:10:47,195 What do you mean, "Not really"? It was Cats! 281 00:10:47,235 --> 00:10:49,194 Yeah, Adam, it was Cats. Please. 282 00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:51,913 What was Cats about again? Horses. 283 00:10:51,953 --> 00:10:53,712 How can you not remember? 284 00:10:53,752 --> 00:10:55,231 Uh, cos I was six. 285 00:10:55,271 --> 00:10:57,031 Uh, no, Adam, you were five. 286 00:10:57,071 --> 00:10:59,909 All right, five! Yeah, cos you were six when you saw Oliver 287 00:10:59,949 --> 00:11:02,228 with Auntie Val, which you do remember... Pissface. 288 00:11:02,268 --> 00:11:05,067 ..but five when you saw Cats with Mum, which you don't remember. 289 00:11:05,107 --> 00:11:06,266 Exactly. 290 00:11:06,306 --> 00:11:07,546 Urgh! 291 00:11:07,586 --> 00:11:09,065 You shit. I thank you. 292 00:11:09,105 --> 00:11:11,224 I need wees. I'm doing wees. 293 00:11:12,624 --> 00:11:15,063 I can't believe you remember seeing a show with Auntie Val, 294 00:11:15,103 --> 00:11:16,582 but not one with your own mother. 295 00:11:16,622 --> 00:11:19,061 Well, that was because I love Auntie Val and I don't love you. 296 00:11:19,101 --> 00:11:20,980 Happy now? Horrible. 297 00:11:21,020 --> 00:11:22,339 So horrible! 298 00:11:22,379 --> 00:11:24,499 You're not jealous of Auntie Val, are you? What? 299 00:11:24,538 --> 00:11:26,897 Course I'm not jealous of Auntie Val. 300 00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:28,817 Yes, you are. Rubbish! 301 00:11:28,857 --> 00:11:30,976 Why would I be jealous of Auntie Val? 302 00:11:35,014 --> 00:11:36,973 You know, it's just three words. 303 00:11:37,013 --> 00:11:38,972 Three little words. 304 00:11:39,012 --> 00:11:41,971 I told you, I'm not saying it. Saying what? I love... 305 00:11:42,011 --> 00:11:43,490 HE GROANS 306 00:11:43,530 --> 00:11:44,890 Very clever. 307 00:11:44,930 --> 00:11:46,049 PHONE RINGS 308 00:11:46,089 --> 00:11:48,928 And yes, well done, that's Lucy now, calling you back to say, 309 00:11:48,968 --> 00:11:52,006 "I love you." Very good. You win. It's not Lucy, it's Dad. 310 00:11:52,046 --> 00:11:53,486 Dad? Dad? 311 00:11:54,525 --> 00:11:55,805 You what? 312 00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:56,844 What? 313 00:11:58,204 --> 00:11:59,883 He wasn't doing wees. 314 00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,161 MARTIN GROANS 315 00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:07,720 Well, well, congratulations, Martin. 316 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,439 Ow, my bleeding back! 317 00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:13,317 Let me guess, you tried to make a ladder by putting one dustbin 318 00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:16,636 on top of another dustbin, then climbed up the dustbins 319 00:12:16,676 --> 00:12:18,515 and fell off the dustbins? 320 00:12:18,555 --> 00:12:20,034 Oh, shut up! 321 00:12:20,074 --> 00:12:21,514 And here's your dinner. 322 00:12:21,554 --> 00:12:22,953 J... Oh, Jackie! 323 00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:25,392 And just so you know, I do not want another word out of you 324 00:12:25,432 --> 00:12:27,471 about that bloody bag, do you hear me? 325 00:12:27,511 --> 00:12:29,830 Yeah, uh, I think so, but I think there might be some... 326 00:12:29,870 --> 00:12:31,629 ..pie in my ear? 327 00:12:31,669 --> 00:12:33,268 Ugh. Come on, boys. 328 00:12:33,308 --> 00:12:34,468 CAR HORN HONKS 329 00:12:35,747 --> 00:12:39,066 Oh, look, it's Auntie Val. 330 00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:41,705 Woohoo, fame at last! 331 00:12:41,745 --> 00:12:44,823 Auntie Val's a celebrity. Auntie! 332 00:12:44,863 --> 00:12:48,182 Aww, my little Adam! Aww. 333 00:12:49,541 --> 00:12:51,101 You remembered Oliver. 334 00:12:51,141 --> 00:12:54,699 Of course I remembered Oliver. 335 00:12:54,739 --> 00:12:57,058 Oh, God, what's happened to Martin? 336 00:12:57,098 --> 00:12:59,457 Pie is in my ear. Huh? 337 00:12:59,497 --> 00:13:00,976 Ignore him, Val. 338 00:13:01,016 --> 00:13:02,016 Come inside. 339 00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:06,374 Well, good work, Dad. Yes, sheer perfection. 340 00:13:06,414 --> 00:13:07,853 Gits. 341 00:13:07,893 --> 00:13:09,652 THEY LAUGH 342 00:13:09,692 --> 00:13:11,332 Ooh, look. What? 343 00:13:11,372 --> 00:13:14,051 There's a plastic bag in that tree. JACKIE SIGHS 344 00:13:18,908 --> 00:13:20,667 Ah, my bloody back. 345 00:13:20,707 --> 00:13:22,187 God, I wish I didn't have a body. 346 00:13:22,226 --> 00:13:23,786 Er, I'm sure it can be arranged. 347 00:13:23,826 --> 00:13:25,185 I can arrange it. 348 00:13:25,225 --> 00:13:26,625 Argh. 349 00:13:26,665 --> 00:13:28,224 So sorry. 350 00:13:28,264 --> 00:13:29,623 Yes, so sorry. 351 00:13:29,663 --> 00:13:31,303 Right! Wine. 352 00:13:31,343 --> 00:13:33,821 See you, then. Die well. Wait, you prannies. 353 00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:37,020 Now, listen. 354 00:13:37,060 --> 00:13:39,459 In my shed is a rake. 355 00:13:39,499 --> 00:13:41,298 If you attached the rake to the broom, 356 00:13:41,338 --> 00:13:43,097 then that should be long enough to... 357 00:13:43,137 --> 00:13:45,416 Repeatedly whack you in the face with it? Idiot. 358 00:13:45,456 --> 00:13:47,575 No, we can fashion a device, get the bag down. 359 00:13:47,615 --> 00:13:49,375 "Fashion a device"? 360 00:13:49,415 --> 00:13:52,293 Dad, we don't care about your stupid bag. 361 00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:53,453 Yeah! It's a BAG! 362 00:13:53,493 --> 00:13:54,812 I know it's a bag, 363 00:13:54,852 --> 00:13:56,771 but it's in a TREE! 364 00:13:56,811 --> 00:14:00,210 It's a bag in a tree. 365 00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:01,929 Very heavy sedation? 366 00:14:01,969 --> 00:14:03,528 Boys, just leave him, will you? 367 00:14:03,568 --> 00:14:05,568 Goodbye... Forever! 368 00:14:05,608 --> 00:14:08,726 Oh. We mustn't forget to turn off the lights. Jackie? 369 00:14:08,766 --> 00:14:10,046 Night, night, Martin. 370 00:14:10,086 --> 00:14:11,445 But, Jackie... 371 00:14:11,485 --> 00:14:12,524 JACKIE? 372 00:14:12,564 --> 00:14:14,484 Shame we can't turn off his oxygen. 373 00:14:14,524 --> 00:14:17,562 Boys, is your mum all right tonight? 374 00:14:17,602 --> 00:14:19,282 Oh, she's fine, isn't she, Jonny? 375 00:14:19,322 --> 00:14:22,040 Oh, fine. 376 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:25,159 Sorry again, love, for dropping round like this. 377 00:14:25,199 --> 00:14:27,798 It's just, it's not every day you see your own name in print. 378 00:14:27,838 --> 00:14:29,757 Er, no, it's not. 379 00:14:29,797 --> 00:14:31,396 I got such a shock. 380 00:14:31,436 --> 00:14:34,155 But a nice shock. Oh, I love him! 381 00:14:34,195 --> 00:14:35,594 I love him! 382 00:14:35,634 --> 00:14:39,393 And I love you too, Auntie. I really do. Aww. 383 00:14:39,433 --> 00:14:41,672 And I was just telling your mum how proud 384 00:14:41,712 --> 00:14:43,671 she must be to see you in that magazine. 385 00:14:43,711 --> 00:14:45,790 Oh, she's very proud. Immensely proud. 386 00:14:45,830 --> 00:14:49,268 And I think it's amazing you remembered seeing "Oliver" 387 00:14:49,308 --> 00:14:51,587 with me, all those years ago, Adam. 388 00:14:51,627 --> 00:14:53,307 Yes, that is amazing, isn't it? 389 00:14:53,347 --> 00:14:55,106 You were only six. 390 00:14:55,146 --> 00:14:56,385 Only six. 391 00:14:56,425 --> 00:14:58,224 Although, come to think of it, 392 00:14:58,264 --> 00:15:01,423 didn't your mum take you to see "Cats" when you were five? 393 00:15:01,463 --> 00:15:03,062 Well, Adam? 394 00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:06,221 Do you know? I really can't remember. 395 00:15:06,261 --> 00:15:07,980 Oh, my God! Must dash. 396 00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:09,580 Love you, Auntie. Goodbye. 397 00:15:12,058 --> 00:15:13,658 OK. How insane is mum tonight? 398 00:15:13,698 --> 00:15:15,497 Oh, definitely new world record. 399 00:15:15,537 --> 00:15:17,736 Check he's still breathing? Go on. 400 00:15:19,415 --> 00:15:21,334 Dad? 401 00:15:23,094 --> 00:15:26,892 Of course. The rake. 402 00:15:30,610 --> 00:15:33,449 And there she is. Yup. 403 00:15:33,489 --> 00:15:35,968 Oi. Ready? Argh. 404 00:15:36,008 --> 00:15:37,247 SMASHING AND CLATTERING 405 00:15:38,727 --> 00:15:41,126 All right, Dad? Hello? 406 00:15:41,166 --> 00:15:43,685 Little turds! What are you doing on the floor? 407 00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:46,203 Yes, why are you on the floor, Father? 408 00:15:46,243 --> 00:15:48,922 Well, help me up, then, will you? Certainly. 409 00:15:48,962 --> 00:15:51,961 THEY HEAVE And here we go. 410 00:15:52,001 --> 00:15:53,240 MARTIN GROANS 411 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:54,440 THUMPING 412 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:55,719 Buggers. 413 00:15:55,759 --> 00:15:58,318 I thought you couldn't walk? What? I thought you couldn't walk? 414 00:15:58,358 --> 00:15:59,718 I can't walk. Well, how did you get 415 00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:01,557 all the way from the living room to the shed? 416 00:16:01,597 --> 00:16:02,916 I crawled. BOTH: Crawled?! 417 00:16:02,956 --> 00:16:03,956 Yeah. 418 00:16:05,075 --> 00:16:08,114 Now, look, I've made the rake-broom device thingy. 419 00:16:08,154 --> 00:16:09,913 The "rake-broom device thingy". 420 00:16:09,953 --> 00:16:11,632 Yeah, we'll take it round the front 421 00:16:11,672 --> 00:16:13,112 and get the bag out the tree. 422 00:16:13,152 --> 00:16:14,751 Er, no, we won't. No, sir. Oh, God. 423 00:16:14,791 --> 00:16:17,030 Why won't anyone bleeding help me tonight? 424 00:16:17,070 --> 00:16:19,789 Cos it's an effing bag in an effing tree. 425 00:16:19,829 --> 00:16:21,468 And it's an effing eyesore. 426 00:16:21,508 --> 00:16:23,747 Wait! Maybe we could help him a little. 427 00:16:23,787 --> 00:16:25,586 Really? Thank you! 428 00:16:25,626 --> 00:16:29,145 That way we'll get to see him, you know.... What? 429 00:16:29,185 --> 00:16:31,224 Crawl? 430 00:16:32,863 --> 00:16:34,622 That's it, keep going. 431 00:16:34,662 --> 00:16:36,022 Get off! 432 00:16:36,062 --> 00:16:37,621 Faster! Faster! 433 00:16:37,661 --> 00:16:39,260 Stop it, you shits. 434 00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:43,578 Oh, crap, I've just put my hand in that bloody pie. 435 00:16:43,618 --> 00:16:45,977 OK, then, here we go. 436 00:16:46,017 --> 00:16:48,776 Uh-uh. I'm doing it, thank you. 437 00:16:48,816 --> 00:16:50,735 You're doing it? You can't even stand up. 438 00:16:50,775 --> 00:16:52,454 I'm doing it, all right? 439 00:16:52,494 --> 00:16:54,134 It's my bag to get. 440 00:16:54,174 --> 00:16:56,373 It's mine. All right. 441 00:16:56,413 --> 00:16:58,852 HE GROANS 442 00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:03,130 HE GRUNTS 443 00:17:03,170 --> 00:17:04,929 Behold! 444 00:17:04,969 --> 00:17:06,528 Our Lord has risen. 445 00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:09,567 You cretin. Careful! 446 00:17:12,006 --> 00:17:14,885 You think you can get away from me, do you? 447 00:17:14,925 --> 00:17:17,164 He said, to a plastic bag! 448 00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:19,563 Easy does it. 449 00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:21,522 Easy does it. Eh? 450 00:17:23,121 --> 00:17:26,360 You didn't reckon with me, did you? 451 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,319 Argh. The pie! 452 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:29,998 METAL CLANGS Oh, no. 453 00:17:30,038 --> 00:17:31,637 GLASS SMASHES 454 00:17:31,677 --> 00:17:33,477 Ah! Shit on it! Oh, my God. 455 00:17:33,517 --> 00:17:35,036 Look at my car! 456 00:17:35,076 --> 00:17:37,155 Look at my car! 457 00:17:37,195 --> 00:17:38,674 Jonny, you dick. 458 00:17:38,714 --> 00:17:40,993 Sorry, but that is classic. You bloody idiot. 459 00:17:41,033 --> 00:17:42,633 Look what you've done. 460 00:17:42,673 --> 00:17:45,031 Um, oops? Oops? Oops? 461 00:17:45,071 --> 00:17:46,191 What is going on? 462 00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,350 Look what he's done. 463 00:17:47,390 --> 00:17:49,310 My whole window, smashed to pieces. 464 00:17:49,350 --> 00:17:50,509 Is that a rake? 465 00:17:50,549 --> 00:17:52,868 Um, a "rake-broom device thingy." 466 00:17:52,908 --> 00:17:55,707 Huh? I didn't mean to, Jackie. It was the pie. 467 00:17:55,747 --> 00:17:57,906 Can you believe him? Look at my car! 468 00:17:57,946 --> 00:17:59,545 Look at it! Right. 469 00:17:59,585 --> 00:18:01,984 You, Martin, are staying outside all night. 470 00:18:02,024 --> 00:18:03,863 Outside? With no crumble. 471 00:18:03,903 --> 00:18:04,983 No crumble?! 472 00:18:05,023 --> 00:18:06,862 And you, Adam. 473 00:18:06,902 --> 00:18:09,021 Well, it serves you right. 474 00:18:09,061 --> 00:18:12,300 Sorry? Yeah, I've been talking to your mum, 475 00:18:12,340 --> 00:18:14,619 and it DOES serve you right. 476 00:18:14,659 --> 00:18:16,298 Oh, this is good. 477 00:18:16,338 --> 00:18:19,416 Serves me right? Serves me right? 478 00:18:19,456 --> 00:18:21,216 Ignore him, Val. I will, Jackie. 479 00:18:21,256 --> 00:18:22,935 Don't you worry, I'll deal with it. 480 00:18:22,975 --> 00:18:24,814 Deal with what? With what? 481 00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,533 What? 482 00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:28,093 You mention your father, 483 00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:29,932 you mention your brother, 484 00:18:29,972 --> 00:18:32,491 you even mention me, but do you mention your own mother? 485 00:18:32,531 --> 00:18:35,090 Oh, my God! Please let me film this. Pissface! 486 00:18:35,130 --> 00:18:37,848 I've told you, love, he doesn't care. He does not care! 487 00:18:37,888 --> 00:18:41,247 He really doesn't. Jonny! Pusface! 488 00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:44,765 So that's it, is it? 489 00:18:44,805 --> 00:18:46,165 I've now got two mothers? 490 00:18:46,205 --> 00:18:48,444 Two deranged, psychopath mothers? 491 00:18:48,484 --> 00:18:50,883 Hey! Do you know what's even worse? 492 00:18:50,923 --> 00:18:53,561 You can't even tell your mother you love her. 493 00:18:53,601 --> 00:18:56,000 Oh, my God. Somebody shoot me right now. 494 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,759 Why can't you tell your wonderful mother you love her? 495 00:18:58,799 --> 00:19:00,718 Jonny, please take me away in your rocket. 496 00:19:00,758 --> 00:19:01,958 Oh, shut up, Adam. 497 00:19:01,998 --> 00:19:04,517 I tell you, if my Spencer doesn't say he loves me 498 00:19:04,557 --> 00:19:06,796 at least once a day, you know what I do? 499 00:19:06,836 --> 00:19:09,395 Er, let me guess, you smack his bottom? 500 00:19:09,435 --> 00:19:11,314 Yes, I smack his bottom. 501 00:19:11,354 --> 00:19:12,673 Really? Yes. 502 00:19:12,713 --> 00:19:14,832 I smack his bottom again and again 503 00:19:14,872 --> 00:19:17,671 until he says "I love you, Mum." Well, that's certainly normal. 504 00:19:17,711 --> 00:19:19,670 Auntie, I think you should smack Adam's bottom. 505 00:19:19,710 --> 00:19:21,629 Oh, I'll smack his bottom, all right. 506 00:19:21,669 --> 00:19:24,428 Ow. Get off! 507 00:19:24,468 --> 00:19:26,347 Get off. No, go on, Val. 508 00:19:26,387 --> 00:19:28,866 Yes, go on, Auntie. Say it. 509 00:19:28,906 --> 00:19:30,305 Say it, then. Say what? 510 00:19:30,345 --> 00:19:31,825 Say you love your mother. 511 00:19:31,865 --> 00:19:33,424 Well, go on, Adam. 512 00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:35,983 Say it. Oh, my God. 513 00:19:36,023 --> 00:19:37,662 Insanity! 514 00:19:37,702 --> 00:19:38,902 Insanity! 515 00:19:38,942 --> 00:19:40,341 That's it, run away. 516 00:19:40,381 --> 00:19:41,540 Go on. 517 00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:45,099 That was amazing. 518 00:19:45,139 --> 00:19:46,178 Oi! 519 00:19:48,258 --> 00:19:50,936 HE SNORES 520 00:19:50,976 --> 00:19:52,736 Well, this is fun. 521 00:19:54,015 --> 00:19:56,414 Hmmm? Sitting in a freezing car with 522 00:19:56,454 --> 00:19:57,973 a bloody snoring machine. 523 00:19:59,253 --> 00:20:00,332 Terrific. 524 00:20:00,372 --> 00:20:04,251 Here comes Crazy Mother Number Two. 525 00:20:04,291 --> 00:20:07,689 Tell her you love her! 526 00:20:07,729 --> 00:20:11,767 Yes. Don't crash on the way home. 527 00:20:11,807 --> 00:20:14,606 So, what are you going to do about your stupid bag, then? 528 00:20:14,646 --> 00:20:17,685 What? Oh, that. That's all sorted. 529 00:20:17,725 --> 00:20:20,683 Sorted? But it's still up there. 530 00:20:20,723 --> 00:20:23,442 Yeah, but don't worry, there's a plan. 531 00:20:23,482 --> 00:20:26,241 Plan? Hello, all. 532 00:20:26,281 --> 00:20:27,520 Jim. 533 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,400 Um, I was just passing, 534 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,599 and wondering how you're 535 00:20:31,639 --> 00:20:33,758 getting on with the bag in the tree. 536 00:20:33,798 --> 00:20:35,557 Um, there's a "plan", Jim. 537 00:20:35,597 --> 00:20:36,716 There's a plan. 538 00:20:36,756 --> 00:20:38,715 A plan? Come on, Milson. 539 00:20:40,195 --> 00:20:42,234 Car ruined. 540 00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:44,473 I've been racking my brain 541 00:20:44,513 --> 00:20:48,271 trying to work out how that bag got up there in the first place. 542 00:20:48,311 --> 00:20:50,950 Well, yes, Jim, it is a bit of a mystery. 543 00:20:50,990 --> 00:20:53,389 The wind! 544 00:20:53,429 --> 00:20:55,668 It fell from a helicopter? 545 00:20:55,708 --> 00:20:57,347 Uhh. 546 00:20:59,266 --> 00:21:01,106 Um, what's that thing? 547 00:21:01,146 --> 00:21:02,985 That thing's "the plan". 548 00:21:06,823 --> 00:21:09,222 Gotcha. Bingo! 549 00:21:09,262 --> 00:21:10,901 Mazeltov. 550 00:21:10,941 --> 00:21:14,060 �300 for a plastic bag? 551 00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:17,219 Yeah, 300 lovely pounds. 552 00:21:17,259 --> 00:21:20,377 You're an idiot, Martin. You know that? Yup. 553 00:21:20,417 --> 00:21:22,616 I know I've slagged off your ridiculous spacesuit 554 00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:23,736 all night, but... 555 00:21:23,776 --> 00:21:26,295 You're freezing your bollocks off, and now you want to wear it? 556 00:21:26,335 --> 00:21:28,334 Er, sort of. 557 00:21:28,374 --> 00:21:31,572 Go on, Pusface. Oh, thanks. 558 00:21:31,612 --> 00:21:33,691 Boys! 559 00:21:35,651 --> 00:21:38,369 Um, what do you want me to do with it? 560 00:21:38,409 --> 00:21:41,488 I'll have that, thank you. 561 00:21:41,528 --> 00:21:43,847 That's right, Mr Bag. 562 00:21:43,887 --> 00:21:46,846 I win. You lose. Ho-ho! 563 00:21:46,886 --> 00:21:48,565 Done. Right. 564 00:21:48,605 --> 00:21:51,484 If anyone wants me, I'll be having my crumble. 565 00:21:53,163 --> 00:21:55,882 Well, at least someone's happy. 566 00:21:55,922 --> 00:21:58,561 Hold on a minute. 567 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,320 Jonny? 568 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:03,039 Um, mate? You wouldn't mind putting this back up there, would you? 569 00:22:03,079 --> 00:22:04,758 You want me to put it back up there? 570 00:22:04,798 --> 00:22:06,357 Yeah. 571 00:22:08,916 --> 00:22:11,635 I'll keep watch on Crazy Bag-man. 572 00:22:15,073 --> 00:22:19,231 Actually, would you mind not putting it back up there? 573 00:22:19,271 --> 00:22:20,711 Not putting it back up there? 574 00:22:20,751 --> 00:22:22,190 Not putting it back up there? 575 00:22:22,230 --> 00:22:23,789 Yeah. 576 00:22:26,308 --> 00:22:28,268 Crimble crumble. 577 00:22:28,307 --> 00:22:29,787 Crimble crumble. 578 00:22:29,827 --> 00:22:32,106 PHONE RINGS 579 00:22:33,665 --> 00:22:36,224 Pusface? Amazing. 580 00:22:36,264 --> 00:22:38,543 OK, coming. 581 00:22:38,583 --> 00:22:40,982 Um, Dad? 582 00:22:41,022 --> 00:22:42,421 What? 583 00:22:42,461 --> 00:22:44,900 Oh, my bloody, bollocking back. 584 00:22:44,940 --> 00:22:48,019 Honestly, Dad, it's worth it, I swear. 585 00:22:48,059 --> 00:22:52,337 Look. Oh, my God, What have you done? 586 00:22:53,536 --> 00:22:55,895 You bastards! My coat! 587 00:22:55,935 --> 00:22:57,735 My lovely coat! 588 00:22:57,775 --> 00:23:00,014 Wait! Come back! 589 00:23:00,054 --> 00:23:03,092 Come back! 590 00:23:03,132 --> 00:23:05,451 Mum? What? 591 00:23:05,491 --> 00:23:07,610 I love you.